Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You Might Also Like
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”