Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
relationship goals
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Hey I worked for it too!