[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I always thought a fortress was a female fort.