caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*