HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You Might Also Like
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?