All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.