I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I’m awake but I object,
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.