I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.