[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
constantly working on myself.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”