The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I ate everything, including the H.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is