I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You had me at “define legal”.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Ok but actually
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”