[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.