January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago