From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.