My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
You Might Also Like
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
True freaking story!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
this chia pet tastes awful
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.