If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not