My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
😆this is so true
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.