I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.