Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
every. time.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.