My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.