OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
stand with me against insufficient seating
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*