Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
You Might Also Like
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.