Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
You Might Also Like
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.