Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
You Might Also Like
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
blocked.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today