Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me hitting on a model
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Somebody call the cops.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?