*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Coffee for people with no kids
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers