Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.