Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Auto correct is my worst enema.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.