I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”