What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ