“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Noted.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.