me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness