[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
White Castle for the Win
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored