My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary