Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.