Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.