[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart