Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition