him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.