Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”