“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls