4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Stonehinge
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”