Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep