Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Beards are a privilege, not a right
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Name this drama.
Google Pay be like:
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.