My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else