Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
house sitting!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
And that about sums it up.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?