How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.