Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”