No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.