Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.